Recently Nathan was talking with a mutual guy friend about the friend’s bucket list.  Nathan seemed so supportive I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt.  I secretly called him a jerk and outwardly gasped at the surprise of it all.

August 18, 2008, I created a bucket list.  I shared the items on the list with Nathan.  Before I continue this story I must tell you that every time I share an idea or dream with Nathan, he wants to make it come true for me.  He wants to spoil me but he can’t, and he shouldn’t.

So I really dug deep within my soul to prepare this list.  I listed forty-seven of every desire I could remember, then shared it with my husband.  He looked at it and almost sounded angry in his response.  He told me how impractical it all was and how I’d never be able to accomplish everything on my list. Of course I cried and we had this big discussion about realistic goals, how many ideas I share with him, and that he can’t tell what’s a genuine desire of mine and what’s just an idea. I secretly vowed to ignore what he said, keep the list, and slowly begin to cross things off. At the time I did not realize that reading my list made my husband feel pressure to provide for my extravagant dreams, and frustrated that he couldn’t. All he saw were dollar signs. Even though he made many attempts afterward to talk through how we could make some of those things happen, I dismissed it as an area of my life (my dreams) that Nathan just didn’t get.

So, after feeling so betrayed at Nathan’s supportive response toward our friend, I dug out my bucket list in hopes that I could share in  Nathan’s new found attitude on dreams.  I planned to show it to him again and point out the differences in how he first responded to me and how he recently responded to our friend. I also wanted to point out how my list was not that lofty.

Here’s the confession:

I read the list and had to laugh.  It was so unrealistic and extravagant.  Nathan was right.  Our friend shared that getting a license to carry a gun was on his bucket list.  He also wants to take some kind of wilderness trip with a bunch of guys–perhaps while carrying a gun. My bucket list contained things that are doable, but very expensive.  Some of the things were small little tasks and I’ve completed many of them.  I’m going to keep the original list because I’m hopeful and I want to prove Nathan wrong, but I’m also going to create a less expensive variation of the same themes.

I think bucket lists are fun, I don’t know how necessary they are, but I’m a dreamer and writing things down frees up space in my head.  I’d be doing good just to accomplish this list: