most days are good

meaning

I’m aware

of God’s grace

God’s peace

God’s love

God’s patience…

But sometimes

In the midst of it all

I have a bad day…

when  I notice all my weaknesses

I notice all of  yours

when nothing is good enough

and the sky is literally gray

and melancholy music strokes my hair

and gives me tears to wipe away

in the midst of it all

I’ll want someone to call, just to tell them I’m having a bad day.  And cry for no reason other than I’m a woman and that gray skies and bad days seem to coincide with the phases of the moon and the phases of the reminder that I will no longer carry a child in my womb. Years ago, maybe even only one year ago I would have felt as if I have no one to call (even if it weren’t true).  At least now I know that I have many people to call in the midst of a bad day. The problem is that I freeze.  I don’t call.  I just have my bad day all by myself and wish that someone magically knew I was having a bad day.  I don’t like bad days.  I prefer to be happy and content and unphased by external negativity. So, I choose that… most days.  I’ll have no problem tomorrow telling you about the troubles of my today; but displaying vulnerability in the midst of vulnerability is my pride before the fall. And I have fallen in the midst of it all.

Truth be told, this is not a colossal bad day.  My mother did not call me to tell me someone died.  I did not lose my salvation.  A tornado did not destroy my home or that of my loved ones.  I did not get victimized in some way: mugging, rape, shot…Today is not the worst day I’ve ever had and not all of those things have ever happened to me, it’s just one of those days.

The kind of day where you want to eat an entire pint of Chubby Hubby and risk the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation that will occur the next day as a result of eating ice cream. The kind of day where you come online after a month long hiatus and verbally vomit the most embarrassing virtual over sharing you’ve done in months, maybe years. I’m human. Deal.  Some of you may even prefer the over sharing.  God bless you.

And just like that. I’m better.  If I had said all of that on the phone I think you would have been a little disturbed and it  wouldn’t have come out that way, so you would have been a lot less entertained, no?

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