It’s 2:08 am and I can’t sleep.  I mistakenly had a really strong cup of coffee with ground roasted cocoa beans.  That was at 6:00 pm.  Then Nathan asked me at 1:00 am if I wanted to tell him how my talk went.  I told him I’d tell him tomorrow, but somehow it all came out and now an hour later…I’m awake. Before I begin I’d like to apologize for the melancholic introspection as of late.  I’m one of those artsy people, so it seems to flare up in times where I’m not able to create something (this is a new thing I’m learning about myself, connecting the dots).  So, just bare with me. This too, shall pass.

I will tell you this about me, this which my mother stated so plainly to me way back in junior high, once you get me talking it’s hard to get me to shut up.  It was one of those statements that made me realize that even though I rarely said a word, my mother knew me.  My mother knows me.  So, those of you who read this blog have experienced that. It’s my rambling, stream of consciousness posts.  Their usually my favorite posts.  And they are long.  Sorry. I never know where they are going to go, but I somehow weave it all together and tie it all up to one connecting thought in the end.  That’s on a good day.  I actually love to talk, but I think I love to listen more.  When I talk a lot I leave the conversation thinking I said something wrong or when I talk a lot I end up sticking my foot in my mouth.  Then I decide that I maybe shouldn’t talk so much anymore.  I call it “that feeling”  I don’t know what it is, but anytime I have a real conversation with someone I get “that feeling”.  I don’t like that feeling, so then to avoid it I go through another period of self imposed silence.  Stupid, I know.  I’m a case.  Like Nathan said the other day, “it’s difficult being shepherds when we’re just sheep ourselves.”

After my conversation yesterday I felt so sick, so upset that I was shaking.  I told Nathan that I felt so upset that I almost called someone to talk it through. That’s bad.  I usually just talk myself through things and let it blow over. I really want to get over that.  I’ve got to talk to someone during a vulnerable time.  My conversation will eventually be life changing, but for now I’m a little resistant to what God wants to do in me.  I was humbled during my talk, convicted, enlightened and sharpened.  It was good for me, but you should know that friction and sparks occur when iron sharpens iron.  It hurts and it’s hard, but it is very necessary.  A great lie was revealed to me after that conversation.  I believe that if I allow anyone to get close to me I will spontaneously combust.  And who wants to do that?  So in all my whining about not having a close friend, I’ve really been pushing a couple away.  And with a vengeance.  Unbeknown to me.  I do like fire, so maybe combustion won’t be all bad.  So, Diva, that whole open book thing is maybe a lie.  I didn’t tell the truth in Truth or Dare.  I’m not an open book.  I will most definitely answer any question about myself.  However, a good book draws you in, right? It reveals.  Maybe I should read more books.

I must say that I have made strides in friendships.  They aren’t close, but I can and do share truthfully and honestly within those.  They are good.  Improvements can always be made, of course.  I’ve really struggled with opening up to people in the deep sense of the word.  It’s one thing to tell someone my deepest darkest secret (of which I have none), but it’s another to reveal hurts or to allow myself to be vulnerable. To show vulnerability.  One day, years ago, my mother in law gave me a suggestion that was really helpful.  Invaluable and life changing. I was so terrified of being myself around anyone it was causing some real problems.  She suggested that I choose one person and or a group of people to kind of practice relaxing and being myself. I chose my husband and his family.  I still have work to do, but I think they’ve seen the good and the bad (not the ugly…yet. Nathan’s seen the ugly inside and out.  I think I’ll spare the fam) and they still like me.  In fact his sister says that it makes her like me more.  That baffles me, I think she might have a mental problem.  Just kidding.  I love them all to pieces.  So anyway, I think it’s time to step it up a notch and add another person or two and another family (my church) to the mix.  So that they too can experience the joy that is my spontaneous combustion.  I don’t think I can handle it, but it’s time. Maybe that’s why I’m boring?

I realized that this past weekend.  I like to have fun, but as far as conversation goes, I can be real boring. I can’t think of questions to ask until the person is gone.  And it takes me forever to think of input for a conversation.  Heck, I was proud of myself for making small talk.  So what you do is just start telling someone something, like what you did last week or something you saw that made you laugh.  That kind of thing.  Update them on your life, ask about theirs…Amazing.  I’m sure some of you take this for granted just like I take for granted that I know how much basil to put in my pasta sauce or that I can smell if a cake is done. I have never said I was good at conversations, but I am a good listener.  I’m not as good as I used to be. Sometimes I start daydreaming.  Then I hope the person doesn’t notice and that they didn’t just ask me a question.  Can any of you that talk to me tell when I start daydreaming?  Do my eyes glaze over?  I’m really sorry.  Really. I really do care what you are talking about.  I’m just kind of spacey sometimes.

So, I think I can be a good friend,if I actually let go and give my all, but I haven’t ever been in a situation where I was trying.  I’m about to start trying.  I have no idea what to do.  So you people who have close friends/ best friends I need your help.  I know how to hang out with people and chat.  But I think I need lotsa help.  That’s enough.  I’m tired.  We’ve discovered Josh Garrels so I want to listen to a couple more songs then go to bed (of the MP3s listed, Going Home is my favorite).  I hope by then I can go to sleep.  Thanks for listening.

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