I don’t even know where to start. So many possible openings. All of them equally cliche. Equally inadequate to prepare you for what is about to come. For what is the story of the most indescribable day of…the month. I know, a month is not that impressive, but I don’t want to exaggerate this early on in the story. Let’s try out some openers and see if I end up with anything good.

So if I had to sum up the events of yesterday maybe I could say that one person can make a difference. Does anyone really doubt that veracity of that statement? Yesterday culminated into the second most embarrassing moment of my life (the first also happened within the last month). I never thought it would happen to me. In fact, I always hoped that he would be the one it happened to. Grr.

Let’s just dive in.

Get comfortable. This is a long one.

I was very excited about the afternoon cause it meant that by the end of the day I would be one step closer to having four gifts out of my hands. I finished my paper and headed out to finish a gift I’m making for the family. After that I had an appointment with a machine quilter to see if she could stitch some quilts for me. I was so excited about that I saw bubbles. Plus it meant I would be able to see the inside of someonelse’s house (that is not important to the story, I just threw that oddity in for free). I wasn’t supposed to be there until 5:30 and it was about 4:15 or so–rush hour apparently.

I was driving along the interstate minding my own business when this giant, steel claw came up from the ground, reached under the hood of my van (aka, the Blue Beast) yanked on the engine and began to laugh hysterically. I was scared. What if the van just came to a screeching halt right in the middle of the expressway? I changed lanes to make sure I would be close to the shoulder if I needed it later. But the monster continued to taunt me.

“Look at all that snow piled up on the shoulder. There is nowhere for you to escape—THE CLAW! MWAHHH HAHA”

So I stayed in the slow lane. Driving. 40. miles. per. hour. My hazard lights ran away in fear. Chickens. So I was all alone. Just me and the Blue Beast. We traveled on, but we were no match for

THE CLAW. MWAHH HAHA!

The monster made another attempt at our demise, but I managed to find a bit of shoulder and pulled off the road. I tried growling, but the Roadmonster just laughed even harder at me. I called my husband cause he’s good at fighting road monsters. He’d know what to do. He said I should get off at the next exit. Funny. The next exit was just 10 feet behind me. The next next one was a little over a mile away. His further instructions were that if I couldn’t get up to speed, to just stay on the shoulder and drive on the shoulder. But he hadn’t heard what the Roadmonster said earlier about there not being a shoulder because of all the snow. So I sat there tyring to remember all I had read in my Roadmonster Survival Manual. Only to remember that this was the chapter I skipped, thinking that kind of thing would never happen to me cause I have little invisible elves constantly working to keep my engine in repair. So me and my trusty sidekick, the Blue Beast, decided to give it another go.

We made it! We made it to the next exit! Thankfully the light was red, cause we needed a break. That little expressway incident was stressful and my heart was racing just a tad. But I’m proud to say that not a tear was shed. The light turned green. I was ready to go, but the Blue Beast? She turned on me. She joined the forces of the Roadmonster and would not budge. I felt so betrayed. She got me that far only to decide to leave me. Stranded. In the left turning lane that goes from the intersection onto the busiest street in my town. During rush hour traffic. Why couldn’t this have happened while Nathan was driving. He knows what to do. So, my chicken hazards, you will remember, left me a few paragraphs back. So I called on my hood to rise to the occasion.

“You must warn them!” I said.

A little hesitant he rose to serve as a signal to the other cars that a roadmonster was ahead. But The Blue Beast is bigger than The Hood. No one noticed. No one heard his cries of danger ahead. As a result, a traffic jam ensued. All because of little ole’ me. One more phone call to Nathan. He asked me a bunch of questions about if the van would turn over or what it sounded like when the engine was running, question, question, question. I told him, “stopaskingmequestionsandjustcomegetme!”. And he was on his way. I think he must have had to go change into his Super Stud costume cause it took him a while to get there. Meanwhile…

Look! Over there! It’s THE COUNTY SHERIFF!

He was on his way to get some coffee, but decided to pull over to see if I needed any help. He came over to me. I won’t focus on the fact that he was talking to me in that your-a-child-from-another-country-who-doesn’t-speak-English-or-know-how-to-drive voice. But he asked me a bunch of questions. Let me just take this time to say that if I’m in distress, do not ask me a bunch of questions. Just tell me how you are going to help me then do it(that was free, too). So anyway, once he realized that I spoke English and that I wasn’t freaking out he started talking like a man and told me he’d call another cop to come and push me out of THE TURNING LANE.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Long enough to cause some serious traffic problems. I was so embarrassed. The other cop came and began to push me with his cop car. We hadn’t discussed where I was going so I ended up in another turning lane. He gets out of his car and starts to ask me a bunch of questions. I just about went off. He was saying all this mumbo jumbo about having to have the van towed and how I really don’t have a choice because it’s the middle of rush hour and it’s a serious traffic hazard. Then he started asking me where I want it towed. Was he for real? Did he really think I would know the answer to that question? I skipped that chapter, remember? So I says to him, I says, “You know what? I really don’t know. My husband doesn’t want it towed..” (he wanted to leave it on the side of the road and see if they would just impound it that way we’d get out of paying for a tow…I know). Cop ask more questions.

Just then a tow truck drives by and the cop flags him down, then asks me more questions.

“Look,” I says “my husband is coming. In fact, there he is right now. How about you ask him all of these questions, cause I really don’t know.”

I grab our stuff out of the Blue Beast, then head to our white van of pleasure and peace. I sat in the back and growled several times. The TowMaster took the Beast away. I eventually made it to the quilter and had my peace restored by knowing that one day soon, those gifts will be done.

The Beast is among friends now.  All of them traitors, I’m sure. But the Roadmonster is still out there. Don’t skip chapters in your Roadmonster Survival Guide. And remember..

Beware The Roadmonster.

Advertisements