I love it when God is so close I can almost feel his breath on my face. I love how he never leaves me. I love how God is so faithful. I love that God is god and not me. I would really suck at being God. My relationship with the Lord has been a source of frustration since I got married–meaning, that’s when I noticed.
I’m never satisfied with where I’m at with the Lord and I know my relationship with him is just about the only time it’s okay to want something better than what you have without danger of being discontent. I want more of the Lord. So much of my mental energy has been spent trying to figure out how to improve other relationships, but not the most important one in my life. I almost feel like falling off the face of the planet–retreating—but I know it is possible to get closer to God without neglecting everyone else.
I suppose I must no longer resist. I’m an introvert, no surprise to most of you, and no surprise to myself. Talking to lots of people or being around lots of people is so draining, as is thinking about talking to lots of people. It drives me nuts. I’m around people a lot now. No more staying at home with a bunch of kids (which also drove me nuts). I’m always thinking and being asked questions. I need that time away, alone with the Lord more than ever. I need to refocus and recenter.
Last week I went for a ride and the Lord led me to a cemetery. Funny, I never noticed that I never noticed a cemetery in Fargo and never wondered where they bury the dead. But that day my questions were answered. I realized, that I need a place to go be with the Lord. I prayed for a spot, but I did not imagine that it would be so perfect as this. I also never thought a cemetery would be so…comforting. This is a beautiful cemetery. I got out of the car and I could smell my favorite smell. I’ve never figured out what it is so I call it “that smell.” It’s sweet and light. There are trees–I love trees. And birds. It’s quiet and no one will bother me there or find it strange that I’m praying there. There is also a nice marble shelter to get out of the rain. It’s so much better than sitting at an empty playground “talking to myself.” It’s as private as a public place can get. A place I can go and refocus.
So all this to say, I’m in a season of refocusing and asking myself a lot of questions and listening a lot to God. I’ve been silent, wondering and pondering things in my heart for several years now. Figuring things out-people, myself. I need to refocus my thoughts and start actively praying again. I have been praying, but it’s mostly been a lot of wondering, not intercession. I have know idea where I’m about to go spiritually, but I’m going soaring on the back of my heavenly father.